Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish I only lived at night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
