Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My bed is full of blood and feathers
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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