biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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