she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's blow job season.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
They have beer where we have blood.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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