woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
