I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
