I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
