ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
