M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
