I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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