Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
