things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
