I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Farmville is her only friend.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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