What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
