No, you can still breathe under the balls.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
