I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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