my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
