she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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