After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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