In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
