My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
