i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
