I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
