I just pynch a tree in the face
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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