Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
