Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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