I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
