Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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