I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
