her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
