I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
