i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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