My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
