thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
