Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
