I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
