to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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