Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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