Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
