I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
this will be a night to untag.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
