Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
