please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
