Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
