My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
