Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
