My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
