If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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