Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
