i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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