Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
