ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
